The Bubbled Trust!

She stood in the shower, stared at her hands cupped together with drops of water falling in them & then overflowing. Small bubbles of water seemed so jubilant & then they died out only to be overtaken by more bubbles. She saw her in the bubbles who were so trusting of the hands that they let themselves fall freely without fear without a thought - only to be let down by the hands. Guess that’s life! It was her wedding night; she shirked away her husband rather rudely and then had excused herself for a quick shower. He thought she’s shy. Only she knew she was scared. The moment a man comes closer, she cringes, closes her eyes, and relives the trauma. She was 10, just 10 – effervescent, jubilant, carefree just like the bubbles of water she was staring at, just like all kids are – when her uncle had on the pretext of a game when her parents were away raped her. Wasn’t he supposed to take care of her? Wasn’t he supposed to protect her? Her parents had given him the responsibility. Was this his responsibility? As she grew up, she made herself believe that whatever happened was a horrible dream, only to be reminded of the ordeal every time a man came closer. She could no more trust “man”kind. She knows she has to. She is trying. It’s just that the trust that once came easily now seems “tough” extremely “tough”.

My Lost Happy Space

I was in a happy space
Until I did what I had vowed I won’t do
A voice, a face
Took me where I dint wish to

A call and a voice
And I was there with you
A smile and a pain
And I could sense you
You were surprised and so was I
I could have been with you that very moment
Only if wishes taught how to fly…

You

I wish I could live the moment once again,

I wish I could turn back time,

When I saw your face against the window pane,

And wished you were mine.

Love and Smiles

I am in one of those moods again. The kind which makes you float in the air, which makes you want to gaze at the evening sky for hours together. I think it has got something to do with the weather and the time. Its a beautiful weather, the breeze that caresses my face makes me feel loved, the voice of birds returning to their nests makes me feel wanted. Am listening to "Yaad hai wo teri har baat yaad hai" from Phir Milenge. These songs make me lovesick. I have no clue what the word means but I think my state right now describes it perfectly. I am in this forlorn mood just listening to the music, loving the breeze in my hair, sipping a nice cup of hot tea, looking at the birds going back to their homes, And everything seems perfect, just perfect, nothing can be compared to the feeling. Is it Valentine's day? No, it can't be. Just like that I guess.

Still remember when I was in one of these moods just before our Operations exam in 1st year when I heard the tamil version of "Aye Udi Udi" in the hostel mess. What time A had, she could just not stop laughing. I enjoyed that and am enjoying now. I love this moment. Just plain, simple ramblings written in my perfect moment. Am all smiles :) :) :)

Random Musings

I have been absconding from the blogosphere for quite some while now. Reason being, just when I had started falling in love with blogging, some sites (including blogger) were blocked in office. I came to know just last week that it has been unblocked. I could have blogged from home but there was so much work in office that by the time I use to reach back, I was left with no energy or mood to do anything but sleep. Okies, now that I am done with my absence from blogging, I will write something.
Cannot actually think of anything at the moment. There were so many things that I had thought of when I was away from blogging but right now, my mind is absolutely blank. I am loving the state of affairs in my life right now.
Just had a cup of good refreshing tea. Listening to “Jaadu Hai Tera Hi Jaadu” from Ghulam on Radio. And now I am back in form to work. Have installed Windows Live Writer in my PC. This post will test that as well. Will be back in form from the next post. Right now, I gotta get back to work. My table is piled up.
Till then, take care n be good. :)

Rains, and the moods...

It's raining cats and dogs outside. And I am in a very blue and grey mood. Dunno why, but rains do this to me. I go through a plethroa of feelings and thoughts when its raining - there's exuberance yet melancholy, there's joy yet sorrow, there's ebullience yet melancholy.

There's one thing I have not yet done since ages - getting wet in the rains, that too on purpose and actually enjoying it. The water engulfing you like a shawl, the cool breeze running its finger through your wet hair, the clouds smiling and pouring as much water as they can. It feels like the Gods are smiling and showering all the love they have. Its exhilarating, can only be felt.

Then there's my room with its two huge windows, one of which overlooks the top of three gulmohar trees. The tress are laden with numerous hues of red and orange with the green leaves peeping here and there as if playing "I Spy". When I cannot go out and get wet in the rain, I just sit beside the window and stare at the water droplets soaking the flowers and the buds. I don't know why but I become oblivious to the surroundings when I am busy looking out of the window. It takes me to a different world. Its a mixture of melancholy, reflection, calm, peace and chaos. I am falling short of words when it comes to the description of these feelings.

And sadly, right now, I am in neither of the above described moods. I am sad and I am irritated. I am sitting here in my office working on something I don't even know why I am doing. And my heart is out there, soaking itself in the rains (the voice of which I can hear on the window panes of the office), calling me, teasing me that I am not doing what I wish to do.

Independence v/s Dependence

I had written about living life on my own terms some time back. Again, I did something I have always wanted to do. I auditioned for an RJ Hunt. You would say, "whats the big deal?". Nothing actually but I am happy because tomorrow when I die and I meet the masters and look at my life in hindsight, I don't regret that I did not do something I could have done. I did my bit and now life will do its bit.

Well, now back to the my terms bit. I realized after the auditions when I was heading home that right now (and it has been like this for quite sometime now) I am completely independent. Independent, from whichever angle you look at it. I take my own decisions, I go where I want to go, I eat what I want to eat, I live the way I want to live. There is absolutely nothing that I cannot do alone - shopping, eating, dancing, singing, chatting, laughing, crying, watching movies, everything. I have been told by people(all those who live with families) that mine is a lifestyle all of them want. They want to be independent and live life the way I do. What they don't know is how lucky they are. Its really depressing to unlock the door at the end of the day and enter a dark house, switch on the lights, think of making tea (but not doing so because you are tired), then think of what to have for dinner, go through the electricity bill, phone bill, broadband bill, look at the last dates, manage finances (though theres little to manage there), buy grocery etc. There's no end to it. There's nothing like living with the family. 

There's also a positive side to it. You get to choose how you wanna spend your Sunday. But it ends there. 

I, personally, hate this so-called "independence". I would love to go back to a family at the end of the day; tell someone how my day was, how I am feeling; get instructed on what to do and what not to do (that makes me feel cared for and thought of, the fact that what you do and who you are matters to somebody is beautiful). 

Independence comes with it its own price - loneliness, which is only inflating with every passing day. 

It isn't great being all by yourself.